The 7 Best Toilet Paper Alternatives, Ranked

7. Dollar bills

At these toilet paper prices, you might as well wipe your ass with a dead president. (Preferably Washington, because it’s still money. Also, because fuck Washington.)

6. Leaves

Yes, the outdoors are closed until further notice, but that socially distant foliage in the wilderness is fair game. Pluck some angel-soft green leaflets — it’s probably better than those translucent one-ply sheets you panic purchased last month.

5. Paper towels

Convenient, but a real pain in the ass.

4. A whole-ass shower

A full-body wash for every squat on the pot might sound excessive, but you gotta do what you gotta do in these shitty times. Just be sure not to confuse your “special” washrag with the one you use for the rest of your body.

3. Facial tissues

They’re much more delicate than toilet paper, so double up like Mase and tread light when you wipe.

2. Moist wipes

These may or may not fuck up your septic tank, but they’ll leave you feeling so fresh and so clean. Even Cam’ron approves!

1. Bidet

The Euros get a bad rap for hygiene, but the French were really onto something with this power washer for your bum. Plus, on sluggish mornings, one spray will wake that ass up quicker than a cup of cold brew.