7. Drake, “Best I Ever Had”
“My shirt ain’t got no stripes, but I can make your p***y whistle” is bad enough, right? Oh, no, young Aubrey’s just getting started; you need to know the tune! Specifically, The Andy Griffith Show theme song. Which, first, that’s a hell of an awkward stroke. And second, is there a less sexual show than one with a little kid, a matronly aunt, and Don Knotts?
6. Kendrick Lamar, “Backseat Freestyle”
Yes, “my left stroke just went viral” (“Humble”) is hilariously terrible. But nothing will ever hold a candle to the chorus of this otherwise untouchable track off Good Kid, m.A.A.d City. “I pray my d**k get big as the Eiffel Tower/So I can fuck the world for 72 hours?” We get that, K. Dot’s playing himself as a teenager, and teenagers say some dumb things, but it’s tough to enjoy rapping along to this one when the thing in question is this dumb.
5. J. Cole, “The London”
Part of the challenge of a list like this is overcoming recency bias — and in this case, we didn’t even bother. Cole has a long history of some terrible sex lines, but his verse on Young Thug’s 2019 summer banger manages to veer back and forth from standout to facepalm, switching up flows and peppering the entire enterprise with some real groaners. (“In my DM they electric slide/No catfishin’, this is not a fish fry.” Really?) But just when you think he’s going to pull out of the skid, he ends off the whole enterprise with, “Fuck your IG, I’ll put something on your sonogram.” What’s sexier than pregnancy, ladies?!
4. Big Pun, “Still Not a Player”
You know the line. Don’t act like you don’t know the line. We all know the line. It’s not only anatomically impossible — six rulers?! — but it is decidedly not the sort of thing to make someone giggle, “You nasty, Pun!” with pleasure.
3. Lil Wayne, “Wowzers”
Weezy loves sex punchlines like he loves playing electric guitar and skating — which, if you’ve ever seen him do the other two things, you know is a problem. But as many terrible sex bars as Hollygrove’s finest has made, nothing can compete with this joint off I Am Not a Human Being II, which culminates in an imagined cocktail he calls the “penis colada.” We won’t type what comes before it, we’ll just say that this isn’t exactly “A Milli”-level work.
2. Kanye West, “I’m In It”
Of everyone on this list, Tudda boasts the most NSFW clunkers by far. “Are you into astrology ’cause I’m trying to make it to Uranus” comes to mind, as does the infamous bleach line off “Father Stretch My Hands Pt. 1.” But on this Yeezus track, there’s something so callous and embarrassingly unsexual about “Black girl sippin’ white wine/Put my fist in her like a civil rights sign” that it makes Kanye sound less like a man who wants “a paradigm shift for humanity,” and more like a pathetic, rage-filled incel.
1. Kool G Rap, “Talk Like Sex”
Lest you think eye-rollingly wack bars are just the province of today’s elite MCs, the Golden Era pioneer penned an all-time reverse classic all the way back in 1990. The production and flow are untouchable, but the lyrics themselves are so back-to-back abysmal that the real challenge is finding one that’s merely embarrassing and not straight-up hateful. Thankfully, there’s this: “Tagging my name on your buns just like a printist/While I’m hurting your ass just like a dentist.” From the fake job title to the hopelessly ’80s deployment of “buns,” it’s just silly enough to not hold the entire song against dude for the rest of his life.