4 HBO Max Rebrands That Would Actually Make Sense, Ranked
Photo: Mollie Sivaram / Unsplash

4 HBO Max Rebrands That Would Actually Make Sense, Ranked

If you're gonna pivot, make it count!

HBO Max dropped the HBO from its name this week, as the streaming service merged with Discovery+. But the name just doesn't do it for us—or apparently anyone else. What would have been better? We have a few ideas.

4. SkineMAX

If you're going to lean into the "Cinemax" part of the HBO Max brand, why not go all the way (heh) and transform into the most highbrow streaming porn provider in existence? It wouldn't take much tweaking to take HBO hits like Euphoria, Real Sex and FBOY Island and convert them full frontal/penetration. It would make billions. Take that, Pornhub! (Yeah, take it. Take it! [Messy climax.])

3. Fleeting Streaming

People lament that HBO Max has a history of removing series and movies without warning, leaving them with no streaming home online. But it doesn't have to be a harsh reality, it could be a selling point! Watch stuff now, you never know, we could literally remove it later tonight. Ephemeral doesn't have to be bad. Orgasms are ephemeral. (See #4.)

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2. Netflix But Without All The Cheap, Trashy, B.S. Filler

Netflix is fine, but given its current password crackdown, now's the time to hit them where they hurt by pointing out the extremely low ratio of quality content to low-budget crap. What separates the HBO Max brand from Netflix? Production values and quality control. When HBO Max has a gratuitous sex scene, you know it at least cost a lot to shoot. (See #4.)

1. Discover (Dragons and Tits and Rich Assholes)+

Sure, Max has kids programming and Discovery's lineup of food and home content, but really people are coming to the service to see the rich dicks of Succession, the incestual dragonriders of House of the Dragon, and lots of nudity (see #4). Don't deny why we're all here.