7 Racial Draft Trades to Get Rid of Kanye West, Ranked
Photo: Oliver Contreras - Pool/Getty Images

7 Racial Draft Trades to Get Rid of Kanye West, Ranked

After last week's shenanigans, the Black Delegation is aggressively fielding offers

As I’m sure you’re aware, and God bless you if you aren’t, Kanye West’s show for his YZY line at Paris Fashion Week last Monday featured shirts emblazoned with the not-at-all racist slogan, “White Lives Matter.” He wore it. Candace Owens, who was in attendance, of course, wore it. And in a stunning surprise, Selah Marley, the daughter of Lauryn Hill and granddaughter of Bob Marley, wore the damn shirt, too. It’s obvious at this point, ‘Ye’s degeneracy knows no bounds.

Following this controversy, Kanye has taken to—and gotten banned from—Instagram and Twitter to lash out at Denim Tears founder Tremaine Emory, Vogue editor Gabriella Karefa-Johnson, Puff Daddy, model Gigi Hadid and to espouse antisemitism. He also joined Tucker Carlson Tonight for an interview. Mind you, some years back, Carlson’s former head writer, Blake Neff, resigned because it was revealed that he posted extremely racist remarks on online message boards. Neff once said that “anything he’s reading off the teleprompter, the first draft was written by me,” although, in all honesty, Carlson, who is basically the GOP’s Joseph Goebbels, probably never needed any help writing white supremacist scripts. He could do it all on his own.

So yeah, the guy who simplified the horrors of slavery into “a choice” for the enslaved, the man who disparaged Harriet Tubman’s legacy, the dude who went full stan for Trump and that goofy-ass hat, sat down with Tucker damn Carlson to talk about the phrase “white lives matter.”

We can pontificate all day about how disgusting Kanye’s words and actions are. Or we could clown him a bit. So, let’s just clown him.

You remember the racial draft sketch from Chappelle’s Show? Well, what if we actually got to trade Kanye West at an upcoming draft? What should we, the Black Delegation, seek in return from the rapper whose star and decency are quickly fading? Here are some suggestions for the General Manager of Black People, Angela Davis.

7. A rare plant

Horticulture is pretty cool.

6. Adele

I know you saw her at Carnival.

5. Jesse Plemons

I want him for no other reason than I think he’s probably the best living actor. If we traded for him, then Issa Rae could root for him at awards shows.

4. Hayley Williams

I don’t really fuck with Paramore like that, but I know some of y’all do, so I’m looking out.

3. Joe Burrow

It hurt just a little bit not to put Joe Burrow on this list. It’s a toss-up between Burrow and Jalen Hurts (he has since shot up to #1 in the rankings after this) for the coolest quarterbacks in the NFL.

2. Paul Wall

C’mon now, it’s Paul Wall, when he opens up his mouth and sunlight illuminates the dark.

1. A blockbuster Bad Bunny trade

Here’s where things get tricky. Bad Bunny is Puerto Rican, so there’s a high probability he’s Afro-Latino, but we want official dual citizenship with the Latino delegation. This blockbuster trade has many moving parts, including Ted Cruz, Terry Crews, a box of fish sticks, Sammy Sosa, the official rights to jazz and rock and roll, Dave Chappelle, Ron Desantis, Bill Burr, four first-round picks, 254 slabs, and Zoe Saldana. I will spare you the details, but all parties are happy in the end. Especially Kanye. Good riddance.

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