7 Reasons Avocados Suck, Ranked
Photo: Daniel Dan / Unsplash

7 Reasons Avocados Suck, Ranked

Happy National Avocado Day, for those who partake!

7. They're thirsty af

It takes a lot of water to grow avocados and they're tied to deforestation and carbon emissions from having them shipped to your local hipster smoothie shop. (Also: Avocado smoothies? Gross.)

6. They're ugly af

Avocados are wrinkly as a nutsack and open to reveal a nauseating green hue that looks like it belongs in a baby's diaper. That's unbecoming of a fruit with a national holiday.

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5. They have a giant pit in the middle

Imagine you're a caveman and you don't know if this thing is edible or not, but you think, "Hey, survival of the species, right?" and you take a giant bite right through the gross, tough skin. Then you chip one of only four or five teeth you have on that hard pit, ensuring you won't survive the winter. Thanks, avocados!

4. Guacamole somehow became a Super Bowl staple

Despite being nowhere near as tasty as queso, guacamole somehow earned a place at the table alongside the much tastier alternative for the big game every year. Yes, you can salt it up, but it's a lot of calories for not that much flavor. What a scam!

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3. It's the texture and taste of unsalted butter

It's like biting into a stick of melting butter, but green. And if you want that earthy, grassy taste, just go into someone's yard and eat grass. It's a lot cheaper.

2. They go bad really fast

When it comes to Mexico's national fruit, there's only a very brief window between peak ripeness and a decaying brown mess that resembles a dying turtle.

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1. They are a leading indicator of gentrification

If the coffee shops and bodegas in your neighborhood start serving $12 avocado toast, congratulations, your rent is about to go up 200 percent!