5 Best Ways to Stay Sober During Dry January, Ranked

5. Drugs

Take your pick. What better way to stay away from alcohol than to opt in for all the other illicit substances you can put into your body instead? If you’re high, you’re probably too busy eating Cheetos to think about drinking. See how that works?

4. Masturbation

Every time you want a drink, just cue up your favorite OnlyFans or Pornhub accounts and choke out the sins of desire. You’ll tone your biceps and gain a new understanding of your body’s carnal limits—all while remaining as sober as Mitt Romney on Easter Sunday. It’s the winningest win-win of all.

3. Non-alcoholic drinks

Again, you’ve got options here. Want the bitter taste of a brew without any of the accompanying bad decisions? Down O’Doul’s, a non-alcoholic beer. If you’re looking for something more sophisticated, get your mixologist on with a nonalcoholic apéritif like Ghia as the base. Just don’t call it a mocktail—have some dignity, dude.

2. Buy a burner phone

Let’s be honest: The only chance you stand to successfully ward off the bottle is by avoiding the news. Get yourself an old-school, no-frills phone without a data plan so you can avoid social media or any reports related to Trump. Otherwise, your sobriety is about as shaky as the value of a bitcoin.

1. Build a time-travel machine

An abstinent mind can do things once believed to be impossible. Spend a clear-headed weekend in your garage and we’re sure you can assemble your own fully functioning DeLorean, capable of fast-forwarding yourself straight into February. Boom. Problem solved. Now you can drink. Honestly, we can’t think of any other reason to time travel.

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