The 7 Most Annoying People You'll Encounter at the Coffee Shop, Ranked
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The 7 Most Annoying People You'll Encounter at the Coffee Shop, Ranked

Do you take your coffee with creamer or a spoonful of STFU?

7. Preston, the Playlister

It looks like he should be making coffee for, you know, customers? But instead, Preston keeps fiddling with the old-school HiFi system hooked up to his Spotify account. And he won't shut up about his song selections. “Hey, have you guys heard of Portishead? What about A Tribe Called Quest?” Preston is about to blow your mind with his Hot Latte List, which he will play way too loud for anyone in the shop to have a conversation or simply sip in peace.

6. The Loud Family

This large family with small kids has taken up the biggest table in the café.  Between all of the blaring iPads showing Peppa Pig, Facetime calls to grandparents, and cries of, "No, Brayden, stop eating the sugar!" you start to believe this coffee shop trip was just a way of escaping their crazy-making prison of a home.

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5. Bonnie, the Judgmental Barista

No matter what you order, this coffee-bean snob with a million tattoos will sniff and say, “Ok, we'll have that right out to you” in the same disapproving monotone someone would deliver if you ordered a decomposing kitten served on a bed of wilted lettuce. Will take 20 minutes to complete your simple drip-coffee order.

4. John, Who Brought His Whole Office

Years ago, I went to a coffee shop and a harried-looking young guy was working on his 27-inch iMac, a full keyboard, and mouse at a small coffee shop table. I think about that person often. I wonder how he's doing.

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3. Odell, the Octopus

He's carrying drinks for his entire office in multiple drink carriers and insists on taking them all in one trip. Even Doctor Octopus is like, "Too much confidence!"

2. Whoever Used the Bathroom Last

Holy Juan Valdez, did a donkey just blast their bowels in here?

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1. Phil, Whose Order Requires 50 Different Directives

Phil would like a cup of coffee. But please use the special-reserve beans and make sure to serve it Cortado style with the local oat milk warmed to 105 degrees but then served over ice, two Splendas, ¾ of a caramel shot, with cinnamon on top, but just a sprin— [Phil has been tackled to the ground and dragged out of the coffee shop. Everyone applauds. On cue, Preston plays “Get Out!!” by Busta Rhymes.]