5 Things Your Kid Definitely Doesn’t Want for Christmas, Ranked

5. Team Jordan sneakers

It happens every year: A pair of Air Jordan sneakers hits the market, sending kids into a frenzy to get their hands on them. Those same kids get their asses handed to them by the Nike SNKRS app. (So do adults.) But there’s always a well-meaning relative who tries to step in and save the day by buying a widely available, and affordable, pair of Team Jordan variants. Don’t set lil’ buddy up for a rotisserie roasting once he returns to IRL schooling.

4. A Republican-controlled Senate

Your kids’ futures are on the ballot in Georgia just a few days after Christmas. Getting Mitch McConnell — one of the world’s most evil turkey necks — out of power in honor of Jesus’ birthday seems like a gift made in heaven. (In contrast, if Loeffler and Perdue win, we’ll have a real-life Cobra villain ruining things for multiple generations of your progeny.) No pressure, Georgia!

3. ‘A Promised Land’

We love Barack Obama (most of the time). Everyone does. But 700 pages?! That’s a lot of pages, Mr. President. No kid wants to read all of that. We’ll have the kids watch when the movie hits Netflix, we promise!

2. Playstation 4

You might think all game systems are made equal. We can assure you, you’d be wrong. Sure, you can cop this outdated, likely discounted model if you wanna troll your gamer kid. But this year has already been hard enough on all of us. There’s a PS5 out there somewhere; you might as well save up and cop that. Put an IOU under your kid’s tree if you can’t find it yet. They’ll understand.

1. Quality time

Look, your kid is tired of you. They hate your voice, your face, and your jokes. Just let them spend Christmas in their room on their invisible PS5. Trust us, it’s for the best.