Any woman who’s ever entered the dating world has come across the self-proclaimed nice guy who advertises it as his core quality. He claims to be sweet, loving, and respectful, yet loses his mind when he encounters a no and fails to get anywhere with his niceness.
He thinks his niceness is a superpower that entitles him to everything and everyone. Not only that, he knows that most men are trash, so he puts up a neon sign to convince us that he is different.
To him, niceness is not a character trait but a performance.
The self-proclaimed nice guy is the worst type of man. It’s one thing to see a wolf and take caution. But a wolf dressed in sheep’s skin is so much more dangerous. We know when we come across him. If you hold doors for women but wouldn’t dare do it for another man... you’re not genuinely nice. If you pay for dinner because you expect a nightcap but then act like a jerk once you don’t get your way… you’re not nice, you’re entitled.
I remember the time a “friend” suggested we blow off some steam after a stressful week. I agreed. A night of club hopping and binge-drinking turned to a weekend of rooftop dinners, sightseeing, and spa dates. It was fun, different, and unexpected.
Each time I offered to pay, he refused, saying, “I just want you to relax and have a good time, you deserve it.” Fast-forward to the time we were parting ways and he leaned in for a goodbye kiss—I dodged it like Fat Joe in the "Lean Back" video. I was shocked; he was surprised. The guy flips his lid because I refused to kiss him goodbye. He kept saying, “But I was nice to you all weekend, doesn't that count for something?”
Obviously, that question doesn't warrant a response.
The number of men with this mentality is insane. I’ve had men catcall me as I walk down the street; if their advances aren’t acknowledged, their complements quickly turn to insults before I turn the corner. Even total strangers who slide into my DM’s with “hey beautiful” or whatever corny words they think would melt my heart turn into jerks when they don't receive a response.
Women have been treated like second-class citizens for so long that some men think the basic respect they show us earns them rights to our time, body, and energy. If they were genuinely nice, they’d know to respect everything—man or woman, animal or plant—without question or condition. After all, life is our highest honor, and respect is the minimum anyone should expect for any living thing.
Now, for those who feel women don't like nice guys: That's simply not true!
Women like men who are genuinely nice, not those who use niceness as a currency to buy their attention. If you want to attract women, hone niceness as a quality, not a performance. Be the kind of man who is nice because that is a reward in and of itself.
When my pregnant friend complained that her husband wasn’t massaging her aching back and feet, he proudly said, at least I’m not like other men who neglect, abuse, and cheat on their pregnant wives. In short, she should be grateful because other women have it much worse.
The metric for niceness is not dependent on how other men behave. Everyone knows what evils men are capable of. Instead of comparing yourself to the worst, why not compare yourself to the man you were yesterday. Not being selfish, entitled, or abusive is not an accomplishment—it’s a starting point.
It’s silly to expect a woman to immediately fall for you because you said a few sweet words and offered to buy her a drink. Attraction is more complex than that.
You can’t create chemistry by being nice. You can’t create compatibility by being nice, either. Stand on the strength of your character and let women fall in love with that. If your character is trash (in most cases, you will know), instead of acting nice and manipulating your way into getting the love you crave, work on yourself. Be a version of yourself that you would be proud of. You will attract a partner looking for exactly what you have to offer.
This post originally appeared on Medium and is edited and republished with author's permission. Read more of Dona Mwiria's work on Medium or via her email list. And if you dig her words, buy her a coffee.