7. ‘A Christmas Story’
A bespectacled boy from segregated Indiana has local gang beef, a gun fetish, and a mouth like a goddamn sailor. How does this get burn every December?
6. ‘Home Alone 2: Lost in New York’
More White boy shenanigans. It’s bad enough these negligent parents are clearly unfit (and, based on the extravagance of their lifestyles, involved in some shady shit). But after witnessing the Wu-Tang-level torture that young Macaulay Culkin inflicts on his petty-thief adversaries, we all could use a little prayer.
There’s a reason most Christmas films don’t include a noose. Sergio Pablos must’ve missed that memo when making this animated Santa origin story.
4. ‘A Madea Christmas‘
Oh, you thought there’d only be one movie on this list that references White supremacy? This Tyler Perry offering from the Madea canon not only has a subplot about a possible Klan member, but also a major plot about a Black man leaving his gorgeous Black wife for a White woman. Hallelujer?
3. ’Bad Santa’
Profanity, alcoholism, lewd sex acts, grand theft, a villainized Black man, excessive use of force by police — in a scant 98 minutes of wickedness, Billy Bob Thornton gives “Santa con” a whole new meaning.
2. ’Office Christmas Party’
Okay, this film is just trolling the devout among us. XXX-Mas, indeed.
1. ‘Friday After Next’
Here’s the setup: A crack-addicted man dresses up as St. Nick and robs the whole hood of Christmas presents. (Notice a theme here? Maybe if this holiday weren’t commercialized as all hell, these big-screen depictions wouldn’t be so focused on a come up, but we digress.) At one point, Terry Crews corners Katt Williams to ask if he’s ever been to the pen, and the rest is “pimp down!” history. Cameos from earlier in the Friday franchise all crash the culminating house party, but considering all the sinny-siiiiin-sin that goes down, they probably should’ve taken their asses down to 74th Street Baptist Church instead.