12 Christophers We Actually Acknowledge, Ranked

12 Christophers We Actually Acknowledge, Ranked

Fuck Columbus Day

12. Ruth’s Chris Steak House

Okay, hear us out: shrimp cocktail. Those mutant, hormone-injected jumbo shrimps are like little heaven prawns. Partner them with a delectable filet, and you’re looking at a Chris that has done far more for society than some doofus who couldn’t even locate a giant mass of land.

11. (and 10.) Kriss Kross

Pizza. A new car. A stimulus bill. This article. Pop-Tarts. Oh, don’t mind us, we’re just naming things that don’t make you jump. You know what does make you jump? Kriss motherfucking Kross. The hip-hop duo consisting of not one but two Christophers (aka Daddy Mac and the miggity-miggity Mac Daddy) are kid rap trailblazers, responsible for Billboard-charting songs about school buses and bombs. If you never wore your pants backward back in the day, did you really even ’90s, bro?

9. Chris Evans, Chris Pratt, and Chris Hemsworth (tie)

These Marvel men (Captain America, Star-Lord, and Thor, respectively) are the holy trinity of White Chrises — three actors who should certainly be celebrated. Did they pillage? No. Did they defeat Thanos, who was basically purple Christopher Columbus? You bet your ass they did.

6. Chris Paul

Our personal philosophy? Never trust a guy with two first names. But we’ll make an exception for the face of good neighbors everywhere — the self-proclaimed Point God, who brought us one of the greatest NBA memes of all time.

5. Chris Tucker

And you know this, maaaan!

4. Mahmoud Abdul Rauf

You’re probably thinking, “Wait, that doesn’t look like a Christopher.” And you’re right. Give yourself a hand. However, brother Mahmoud (born Chris Jackson) was one of the baddest NCAA basketball players of all time. The third overall pick of the 1990 NBA draft, he later converted to Islam, changed his name, and was blackballed by the league for not standing for the pregame national anthem. Abdul Rauf was basically Kaepernick before Kaepernick, and while we respect and acknowledge his chosen name, we’ll leap at any excuse to honor an icon.

3. Ludacris

Before he became one of Southern rap’s great spitters (and forever doomed a generation of spelling bee contenders), Christopher Bridges was Atlanta radio personality Chris Lova Lova. These days, instead of Ludacris, we just call dude Luda-rich, thanks to the increasingly absurd yet wildly lucrative Fast & Furious franchise.

2. Chris Rock

Everyone has a favorite Chris Rock bit — he’s one of the smartest, most unfiltered comedians of all time. (This season of Fargo, plus the opening of his SNL monologue this past week, are reminders that his chops are still sharp as ever.) Everyone Hates Chris is a cultural touchstone. Offices should close to commemorate the day when the show debuted, to be honest.

1. Christopher Wallace

Better known as The Notorious B.I.G. Duh. You heard what Hov said.

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