The sad truth is, we're probably a mere few decades away from seeing the storyline of I, Robot play out IRL. But until the android apocalypse, we might as well make the best of artificial intelligence. So here it is: LEVEL's new advice column, We Asked a Bot, the place where your pressing concerns and queries are treated with a tenderness and care befitting of a machine learning algorithm.
Dear Level,
What should I get my kids for Christmas this year? Every year it's a struggle, but I'm really stumped this time. I'm raising a 12-year-old boy and a 7-year-old girl? Where should I start?
—A Dad With No Gifts
<We asked Perplexity, a search engine that's not too different from ChatGPT, to answer this question—but we asked it to do so in the voice of actor and perpetual f-bomb dropper Samuel L. Jackson. Did it work? You decide.>
Dear A Dad With No Gifts,
Alright, let's get down to business. Your kids have got some cool interests, so let's find them some gifts that'll make their Christmas morning one to remember.
For your 12-year-old boy who's into sports, how about an Interactive Soccer Ball that counts tricks and lights up? It's a fun way to combine his love for sports and technology.
If he's into puzzles and games, the Educational Insights Kanoodle Extreme Puzzle Game or the Air Hogs Zero Gravity Laser Race Car could be a hit. If he's a budding artist, the MYNT3D Super 3D Pen could be a great way to bring his creations to life.
Related: 14 Samuel L. Jackson Characters Least Suitable for Sesame Street, Ranked
Now, for your 7-year-old girl who's a TikTok fan, there are plenty of TikTok trend items for kids available on Amazon. You could also check out Etsy for unique and custom TikTok gifts. If she's into music, consider getting her a music-themed gift. Perhaps a poster or a piece of art featuring a musician she likes.
Remember, the best gifts are those that show you know and appreciate their interests. So, whether it's sports, art, music, or TikTok, make sure the gifts you choose reflect what they love. Now go out there and make this Christmas one they'll never forget!
Warm regards,
Fake Samuel L. Jackson
<Interesting! That didn't sound much like Samuel L. Jackson and our letter writer never mentioned that their kids were into TikTok, sports, or anything else. That's a lot of assumptions, Perplexity AI! In the interest of trying to get a little more out of the bot that sounds like the famous actor, we asked, "What kinds of things would Samuel L. Jackson say directly to my kids at Christmas?" on the letter writer's behalf. Here's what it gave us.>
Samuel L. Jackson is known for his distinctive voice and his often profane and humorous language. If he were to deliver a Christmas message to your kids, it might go something like this:
"Alright, kiddos, listen up! This is Samuel L. Jackson, and I've got a special Christmas message for you. Now, I know you're excited about all the presents and the candy canes and the holiday cheer. But remember, Christmas ain't just about getting stuff. It's about giving, too. So, make sure you're thinking about what you can do for others this holiday season. Maybe that means helping out around the house, or maybe it means being extra nice to your siblings. Whatever it is, make sure you're spreading that Christmas spirit.
Related: It's Gonna Be a Barbie Christmas, Girl Dads
Now, I also know that you're probably bouncing off the walls waiting for Santa to come. But here's the deal: Santa's got a lot of houses to visit, and he needs you to be asleep when he gets there. So, when it's time for bed on Christmas Eve, I want you to go the f**k to sleep. No arguing, no begging for just one more Christmas movie. Just get in bed, close your eyes, and dream about all the fun you're gonna have in the morning.
And one more thing: Remember to say thank you for your gifts. It's important to show gratitude for the things you receive. So, whether it's a new toy, a book, or a pair of socks from grandma, make sure you say thank you.
Alright, that's it from me. Have a merry f**king Christmas and a happy New Year!"
Related: The Gifts From “12 Days of Christmas,” Ranked
Please note that this is a playful and humorous interpretation of how Samuel L. Jackson might address your kids for Christmas, based on his public persona and previous performances. It's important to consider the appropriateness of the language and tone for your children.
<Wow, it sure is important to consider whether this is appropriate for kids. The references to Samuel L. Jackson's reading of the now-classic Go the F**k to Sleep were a gimme for the AI, and we do appreciate the warning about celebrity voice interpretations. But even grading on a curve, this didn't feel very evocative of the actor or what he would actually say if we asked these questions. Score one point for humanity… for now.>
LEVEL consulted Perplexity.ai for the aforementioned text. Need advice, insight, or just want to troll a chatbot? Hit us up with your questions at info@levelman.com. We'll feed it to the robots and see what it spits back out. (Disclaimer: YMMV!)
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