5. Shoulders Sherman
Pre-Covid, Sherman was the burly, former-linebacker-looking dude wearing an even burlier padded coat who’d block your way down narrow department store aisles when you were in a hurry. He still shops retail, but now blocks aisles from a respectfully distant six feet away.
4. Coupons Carla
Carla has a fold-out accordion-style coupon booklet that holds roughly 5,500 Bed Bath & Beyond 20% off coupons; on her plus-sized smartphone, she’s got promo codes from RetailMeNot, Slickdeals, and Honey. When she’s done with her Black Friday shopping, the store owes her $50.
3. Tramplin’ Tonya
Remember when people lined up at the Best Buy sliding doors and then popped through suddenly like unpacked sardines to seek their Black Friday deals? You know, before the virus? Tramplin’ Tonya was the queen of stepping over anyone — even toddlers! — who got in her way. Where did she find high-heeled cleats, anyway?
2. Sammy the Swiper
Ever wonder what happened to that $99 HDTV you’d put in your shopping cart a couple years ago? When you weren’t looking, Sammy swiped that thing and ran to the register with his ill-gotten doorbuster. Weirdly, he doesn’t swipe his credit card; Sammy the Swiper has always been about that Android Pay.
1. Campout Kyle
This guy wouldn’t see his family the whole week of Thanksgiving because he’d pitch a tent (purchased at Dick’s Sporting Goods) so that he could post up outside of Walmart to be first in line on Black Friday. It always seemed weird that he’s ostensibly there to get gifts for the family he just abandoned. It was never wise to mess with the occupant of that Black Friday tent; Campout Kyle might’ve had a hunting rifle in there for all we knew.