The 7 Real Candy Corn Flavors That Await You in Hell, Ranked

7. Red Velvet

Basically a Tootsie Roll — if a Tootsie Roll was shaped like a demon’s tooth and had an unsightly red-white-and-brown colorway and the texture of a candlestick. It’s a no from me, dawg.

6. Peanut Butter Cup

Shout-out to Brach’s for successfully inventing the one wrong way to eat a peanut butter cup.

5. Celebration

Excessive patriotism meets the sh*ttiest candy in your Halloween basket. We’re sure these red-white-and-blue candies are a hit with the MAGA crowd, which should tell you everything you need to know about their taste.

4. Pumpkin Spice

The pumpkin-spice-industrial complex must be stopped. This s**t is getting out of hand.

3. Birthday Cake

Wanna know what’s worse than the ever-present dread that with each passing day we’re inching closer to our inevitable demise? Try ringing in your bornday with these blue, pink, and white monstrosities. If a gender-reveal party was food, it’d be this.

2. Waffles & Strawberry

Millennials, you’re off the hook — we’ve finally discovered who really ruined brunch.

1. Turkey Dinner

Somebody come look at this. Behold, an entire Thanksgiving meal converted into a bagful of waxy morsels. You’ve got ginger glazed carrot, sweet potato pie, cranberry sauce, green beans(?), stuffing(??), roasted turkey(?!!?). There’s always something to be thankful for — but friends, this ain’t it.