Photo of Charlize Theron wearing shades
Photo: Frazer Harrison/Getty Images

Charlize Theron Has Created a Rally Cry for Old Heads

"B**ch, I'm aging!” deserves its own national anthem for those over 40 dealing with many, many indignities

Actress Charlize Theron has recently pushed back against suggestions that she's had plastic surgery in the most awesome, direct way possible. In an interview with Allure, the action star addressed naysayers with the quippy clapback of the year. In just three words, the star of Hancock and Fast X and The Italian Job and Devil’s Advocate shut down all speculation about her facial features.

"B**ch, I'm aging!"

Vanity Fair, which knows a thing or two about Hollywood's sexist double standards about aging, trumpeted the excellent quote in the headline for a story about the interview, in which the actress said her face is changing in a way that should be familiar to anyone who's made it to 48 years of age.

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Related: 7 Most Tell-Tale Signs That You Are a ‘Geriatric Millennial,’ Ranked

Well, we are feeling what Charlize said. Like, a lot. We are all aging rapidly—especially in these wild times—but we're feeling particularly seasoned these days. Consider us officially men of a certain age. Here are several ways to know if you, too, are one of us: The Olds.

  1. You suddenly think Steely Dan sounds pretty good.
  2. You roast asparagus on a regular basis.
  3. After decades of trying to understand it, you now get how escrow works.
  4. The groan you make when you sit down or get up is louder than 70 decibels.
  5. You think Helen Mirren is super f**kable and not in an ironic way.
  6. You still own a DVD player and boxed DVD sets of The West Wing, The Wire, or The Simpsons.
  7. All your Facebook targeted ads are for ED pills and hearing aids.
  8. You remember parachute pants.
  9. You still have a crush on Jackée.
  10. Gray pubes.
  11. Purchasing cereal based on what it does for your digestive system, not how it tastes.
  12. You walk into a room and immediately forget why you're there. Often.
  13. Current adult film stars look too young to you. Like, way too young. You've switched to the Mature section of your preferred erotic entertainment provider.
  14. CVS is a saved contact in your phone.
  15. You're mad that the latest issue of AARP magazine is late.
  16. You know what ColecoVision was.
  17. Your upcoming colonoscopy is not your first.
  18. Any child refers to you as "PopPop."
  19. You still type "http://" before the name of a website.
  20. Coupons.
  21. When you watch Ferris Bueller, you sympathize with the principal.
  22. Won't go to a concert that has no chairs. Nope.
  23. Your sneezes are getting louder by the day.
  24. You just remembered why you walked into that room earlier. Or did you?
  25. Tuesday is Senior Discount Day at grocery stores—you've known for a while.
  26. Your rest breaks on a hike are longer than your hiking on a hike.
  27. Hairline resembles a boomerang and/or a doughnut—that is, if you've still got any.
  28. You leave long voicemails that no one will listen to in full.
  29. The word "Bingo" appears in your calendar.
  30. You scrutinize your bowel movements like scholars study The Quran.
  31. Selfie skills have not improved since 2008.
  32. Progressive lenses.
  33. Your Inside Voice is a holler by default.
  34. The thought of someone seeing you naked or having your underwear exposed no longer scares you.
  35. Dinner's at 5 p.m.